[Editor's note - this is an occasional feature, a sounding of sorts, a test to see how polluted the waters are, to suss out what's popular and see how many bad bands there are by comparison to the good ones we feature here. Last time we did this we surveyed the entire month of June at Bowery Ballroom. This time around we went through the whole month of December at a popular LES venue. Batting average-wise, the club only scored 18 good acts out of the 92 they booked for the month which translates to a sub-Mendoza line performance...but eighteen good shows in thirty days? That's more than one every other day, even better when you consider that the whole Xmas week is a wash. Good work, Arlene Grocery. The individual acts are listed on our NYC live music calendar. For anyone interested in seeing the whole list of who's playing there this month, notes are below - I didn't edit them because I think they're way funnier just the way they were when I got the email...]
Arlenes’ December calendar:
NATE VAILL acoustic band from ohio - no website
QUINN MARSTON AND THE SEDUCTION KIT pop - they have a residency is it a guy or girl, hard to tell REALLY AWFUL ,
BELLEVUE’S FINEST electronic disco - they complain about trendoids but that’s what they are
RACHEL ZAM not her real name - Snorah Jones wannabe - not bad but not great either
JUANO LIPPI BAND generic folkie wimp
Last Charge of the Light Horse - tuneless pretentious Replacements wannabes
VOX POP horrid corporate crap
AFICIONADO 10-pc Kansas wannabes from upstate - they have a song called Deaf Ears which is obviously autobiographical
NICK TATE - British folkie - good chops, awful songs
SPUTEN DUYVIL lame white funk/metal
THE NEVERBEENS - female-fronted band w/some potential - some country, jazzy pop
THE NEW COLLISIONS powerpop - add this to calendar, sounds like a good live band
12/4 YARN. FREE SHOW DOORS AT 8PM add this - they’re good
PHOEBE HENRY corporate lite fm pop. she doesn’t like cats, what a bitch
GIA MARX corporate lite fm pop dunno if she likes cats or not but she still sucks
12/5 9 PM IMPOSTOR SYNDROME female-fronted riff-rock with some potential, some bite, a little PJ Harvey but less raw, their record label is called Spinach Pie Records 
V try finding this on myspace - there’s a Philly grunge/pop band called V who really suck…
I LOVE MONSTERS trendoid band fronted by a Celine Dion wannabe
BANANAMANANIMAL tuneless mathrock meets tuneless white funk
THE ELECTRIC MOJO MACHINE they have a jazz drummer but no website
12/6 7 PM KIRA SKOV - add her to calendar what a trip - voted best female vocalist in Denmark sounds like the Shocking Blue - big bluesy voice, excellent garage/psych band
12/6 8 PM NEW MADRID altcountry from oklahoma - add them
THE PUBLIC SECRET mopey downtempo stuff from Germany
STILL DIVISION - Pearl Jam wannabes - can’t believe anybody thinks crap like this could ever be popular again
THE FRESHMEN hip-hop from Florida? “R&B” from Milwaukee - can’t find them - stupid band name anyway
CHERRY S/T - campy computerized disco
HIGH TOLERANCE 80s hair metal from Long Island - figures
SUGAR MAMA from Boston - guitarist has serious Hendrix fixation. they like ska, lots of good things going on now if they could only find a singer
BB GUN trendoids from Brooklyn messing badly with cliched Black Oak Arkansas redneck rock - is this the band you saw outside McCarren Pool on Make Music NY day?
VILLACOMA ponderous, boring Death Cab wannabes - they rehearse at Ultrasound which is expensive, right?
A ROOSTER FOR THE MASSES really annoying, strident Gang of Four-ish white funk - bands like this make me want to vote Republican
DAY OF FIRE - awful corporate metal band from Nashville
12/9, 8 PM ALEC BERLIN pro musician - seems like a nice guy, stuff is derivative (Beatles, Radiohead, Elliott Smith), not bad - let’s list him http://www.myspace.com/ALECBERLIN
12/9, 9 PM KRIS KELLY - lots of strings on his myspace songs - very Radiohead - not bad - list him too ok?
JIMMY REEVES Texas bluesman like Jimmie Vaughan - good stuff - http://www.myspace.com/jimmyleereeves woops thats Jimmy Lee Reeves - this Jimmy Reeves is a saccharine James Blunt wannabe - barf
12/9, 11 PM SETTLY - Marcellus Hall’s bassist - good player, kinda funny - add him too - can’t believe it, 3 more or less good bands on a Fri night here
Billy Walton Band fonkeh fonkeh wotbos
Austin Stitch - looks like club got the band name wrong - nothing online except a knitting group in texas
BRANDON CLARK corporate grunge prettyboy from Atlanta
KELLY WATERS no relation to Muddy - corporate “R&B” ho from the UK who does a song called Up Inside Me
MISS VINTAGE - Coldplay wannabes from Philly
12/14 10 PM AMERICAN AQUARIUM from Raleigh - good band - like the Bottle Rockets - add them. Also at Hank’s 12/15 9:30ish http://www.myspace.com/AMERICANAQUARIUM
12/16 7 PM LANA MIR - funny she does a song called I Wanna Be Adored but sounds nothing like Randi Russo - Ukrainian expat - not bad - bossa nova pop = add her http://www.myspace.com/LANAMIR
12/16 8 PM HOLDING BACK ENTIRELY can’t figure out whether they’re retro 80s, 90s or what - some potential , some decent tunes - give them a chance http://www.myspace.com/HOLDINGBACKENTIRELY
BROOKVILLE wimpy downtempo/triphop
12/16 10 PM THE GREY RACE 90s Brit style pop band - good songs! add them http://www.myspace.com/thegreyraceband
LUCKY GHOST a more camp Decembrists - some potential but they need a singer
Northern Public - death metal from Michigan
the Philtons - myspace isn’t working - but they have good top friends (Your New Best Friend, Satanicide)
Water for Ivan - acoustic guitar/cello, nice sonics but a work in progress
Measure - keys/vox - triphop/downtempo - kinda pretty, dreamy - add them http://www.myspace.com/measuremusic
the Standard Model middle period REM wannabes, not a good era to imitate
the Red Directors club prob got bandname wrong, nothing online
RADIO DRAMA loud fast pop from Long Island w/Radio Disney vox
AGENTS OF KARMA funky stoner metal
MERCURY MORNING corporate band from NJ - Interpol/u2 infls
12/13 9M THE AYE AYES barband rock/pop w/funny lyrics give em a chance http://www.myspace.com/THEAYEAYES
CARLON goofy stoner stuff - they have a residency in Jan?!?
LEFT ME BASHFUL acoustic wuss
WINDSOR PARK WALKERS big 90s Spiritualized sound - not bad nothing special either
MOSHIACH OI - Orthodox Jewish hardcore - one of their songs is called I Wanna Learn Torah, no joke
12/18 7 PM SIX CHASING SEVEN funk/reggae from Lynchburg VA w/horn section - good stuff! http://www.myspace.com/sixchasingseven
THE TELEPHONES “blues/metal duo” - myspace not working
STOLEY PT corporate emo
12/18 10 PM THE VOXYS lo fi Dublin garage riff rock - not bad, could be good live http://www.myspace.com/THEVOXYS
ACEY SLADE campy disco metal
iris PILL they play various awful corporate styles
Jared Campbell wretched corporate lite FM singer-songwriter
Justin Trawick fonkeh fonkeh wotbo from the VA suburbs
Derek James fonkeh fonkeh wotbo who admits to being ” a finalist in the Williamsburg Singer/Songwriter Competition,” woohoo!
IPPAZZI Dave Matthews wannabes - better than but not by much
13TH FLOOR obviously not Roky Erickson fans - metal - good for a laugh
SANITARIUS thrash metal
BROTHERS MOVING Danish acoustic Americana band - not awful, nothing special
THE GAIT LINE WORKERS club got the name wrong
12/21 9 PM SPECIAL PATROL GROUP not the cover band from the UK - their Pretty Vacant is pretty good http://www.myspace.com/patrolspecialgroup
this is a NYC band, 90s style powerpop, guy/girl vox, lyrically driven, intriguing but let the girl sing, keep the guy away from the mic http://www.myspace.com/gravityinreverse
VICTORY BY REVENGE fallout boy wannabes from Maryland - godawful
PATRICK PORTER dorky folkie who usually plays the Sidewalk
NICK KRATZ electric blues - exc. chops, good solos but material’s not that strong -he’d be a great lead guitarist in somebody else’s band
RISE PHOENIX RISE Good Charlotte wannabes from PA
RADIO FIX from Connecticut - lame tuneless boring indie stuff
SLEEP WELL somewhat frantic Death Cab wannabes
FIRST IN SPACE poppy Youngstown OH jangle band - they can write a decent tune but the vox are lame
THE WIND-UP wimpy Brooklyn indie pop
WINDSOR CIRCLE myspace not working but they like Weezer which basically means they suck
4NORMANDY corporate garbage from Jersey
HIGHWAY GIMps awful in-your-face trendoid crap
TOM HOOD AND THE TRAILMEN - country rock from Long Island - older band - cdbaby page not working
12/28 8 EMMA TRINGALI AND THE WALK INS - singer/songwriter - distinctive voice, decent tunes, not a wimp - like Linda Draper w/o the Ph. D., http://www.myspace.com/emmatringali
9 LULLA - not the really good bossa nova chanteuse from Italy http://www.myspace.com/lullilu but a really good pianist/chanteuse singing Japanese classical ballads http://www.myspace.com/lullatunes
ANIMAL BONES awful Fallout Boy wannabes with girl singer - how come I’ve never heard of any of the bands they like, oh yeah that’s because they SUCK
JAY WILEY BAND Ryan Adams wannabe
ANGRY DRAGON death metal
MORGAN AVENUE - female fronted loud poppy band not awful - only one of their myspace tracks is working
SCARLET FADE the Xian Partridge Family - no joke - they must have a stage mom & a megachurch where they can play - why here? - or did they rent out the club?
Hyacinth House - love that band name - good acoustic Swedish Americana goth band www.myspace.com/wwwhyacinthhousese
